Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Not a Good Day

I make no secret of the fact I'm bipolar. However, I feel as if I'm one of the lucky ones. I am type-2 bipolar with dysthymia. This means I'm usually depressed (dysthymic) but I occasionally go manic. My bipolar did not affect my life much other than feeling miserable most of the time. I called it "floating depression" because it was like this dark cloud hung over me. Except when I was manic when I was either unreasonably happy or unreasonably angry (usually the latter). And, for years I'd wake up in the morning and the first thing I would think was "should I kill myself?" And the upside was, if I did kill myself, I didn't have to go to work!

But, I found a good psychiatrist and after some experimenting with meds, we found a combination that works for me. (He first put me on lithium which completely changed my personality). I call it a "cocktail" because I'm taking two prescription meds plus one OTC supplement. And it keeps me feeling pretty good. There are days the brain chemistry overwhelms the meds and I might feel a bit manic or a bit blue. But nothing I can't handle. And I haven't had suicidal thoughts since starting the one med I'm still on.

When people talk about the "evils" of "big pharma" I remember that "big phrama" came up with the drugs that literally saved my life.

Then yesterday I ran out of one of my meds. I take this one twice a day and yesterday I didn't take any. The reason I ran out is we mail order 90 days worth because it's cheaper (a lot cheaper) then getting 30-day supplies at the local pharmacy.

So yesterday wasn't too bad. And the meds arrived this morning via FedEx and I took one (albeit a bit later than usual). But today, I just feel like crap. I have no motivation to do anything. I should be working on my latest work in progress and I don't want to. It's the old floating cloud syndrome.

I'm wondering if I need to get the level of that drug back up in my system. This is the first time I've been without it since I started taking it.

So, just a bad day today. I'm hoping tomorrow is better as I take the drug today. But this is a lesson in one thing: I need my meds.


  1. I know how you feel. Starting on meds made a huge difference for me, too, and even then, there are dark days. If you ever need anything, just give J or me a call. I hope tomorrow's a better day.

  2. Thanks. In the evening (after taking the second pill of the day) I felt much better and today is a lot better day.