Tuesday, September 8, 2015

The Activity "NO" List

Last week I talked about my "Movie 'NO' List." Today I'm going to tell you about my activity NO list. That is, things I refuse to do.

1) Camping. First of all, it's being outside and outside is sunburn (viz: Going to the Beach) and allergies (which are better after seven years of allergy shots, but why risk it). Not to mention bugs and other critters (spiders, snakes). I saw a meme on Facebook that was something to the affect of "Camping: paying a lot to live like a homeless person." We've had 50,000 years of human progress to get away from sleeping in dirt, why would I want to return to that? Sure you can see some pretty things, but can't I just watch them from inside my (climate-controlled) car?

2) Hunting. I have nothing against hunting or guns. In fact, I enjoy target shooting. But hunting is definitely out. First of all, it's outside (viz: Camping). Second of all, it's traipsing through the countryside looking for elusive animals. I don't know what it is, but I think my family was born with the "no-hunting-ability" gene. I can't remember a time when anyone in my family had a successful hunt. The few times I've gone hunting I've spent a day outside in the cold (hunting always seems to take place on cold days), a day I could have been indoors enjoying amenities such as central heat.

3) Fishing. Again, nothing against fishing if that's your thing. But, first of all, it's outside (see above). Second, it's boring. I went on a fishing trip once where we were fishing for sturgeon at the mouth of the Columbia River near Astoria, Oregon. (This was a business thing.) We were out there for 9 hours and caught four fish. Now you sort of have to wrestle sturgeon in (they're big) but if you figure 15 minutes of wrestling per fish, that's one hour of something interesting happening in 9 hours of fishing. So that's 8 hours of . . . nothing. And one of the people on the trip is an avid fisherperson and she said "That was one of the best days fishing I've ever had." Puleeze.

4) Going to the Beach. Again, outside. But since I sunburn in about 10 minutes (I'm not joking) I have to A) cover up a lot and be hot and/or B) wear greasy, smelly sunscreen and reapply about once an hour. And sand sticks to sunscreen. I hate it.

5) Yard Work/Gardening. Yes, it's outside. It's also the most boring, unrewarding work there is. Mow the lawn: it'll need it again in a week. Pull weeds, they'll grow back. Plant flowers, they'll die. Plant a garden, have tons of zucchini that you can't give away (why do people plant that stuff?). It's not that I don't like vegetables. I just prefer buying them than spending hours failing to grow them. Yes, if the zombie apocalypse comes, I'll starve to death because I don't hunt or garden. But I need to lose weight, anyway.

So there you have, the "no" activities list. What do you hate to do?

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