Thursday, December 10, 2020

Bad Brain Chemistry Few Days

I make no secret that I have a mental illness. I'm not ashamed that I am Type 2 bipolar with dysthymia. That means, untreated, I am depressed most of the time with bouts of mania. There is, for me, no shame in having a mental illness anymore than I would if I had cancer. Mental illness is not a failing. It's brain chemistry

About a month ago, I had a very bad few days of mania. It started out a situational depression and then somehow grew into mania mixed with depression. Now I tend to be an angry manic. It might have been good that my wife was gone for most of those days. When she got home, I yelled at her for no reason.

I had never experienced depression mixed with mania before. It was the strangest, most miserable thing. I was angry and depressed at the same time.

There are four types of bipolar. Type one is the classic bipolar where you oscillate between manic and depressed sort of like a sine wave. Type two you're depressed most of the time with episodes of mania. Type three you're manic most of the time with episodes of depression. And type four is what I was experiencing: mania and depression at the same time. I am so glad I have only experienced that once in my life (so far).

I went to see my mental health person (he's an ARNP, not a doctor), and he suggested ramping up one of my drugs to double the dose for a few days. So I did for two days (with one day of ramping up and one day of ramping back down) and that seemed to solve the problem. 

I just found it annoying that suddenly my bipolar got worse for no apparent reason. Yes, there was a reason for the depression, but why that led to mania, I don't know. 

If you have depression or feel you might be bipolar, don't suffer with it. Seek help, soon. I remember when I'd wake up in the morning and my first thought was should I kill myself. It would have the added advantage that I wouldn't have to go to work (this is back in my corporate days). When I finally sought out help, it made a huge difference in my life. It can in yours, too.

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